I’m Learning to Embrace the Messiness of Life – A Journey of Self-Acceptance

Growing up, I felt like something was missing, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it at first. As a child, I had no father figure to guide me, no male figure to teach me the lessons I thought I needed to learn. My mother, though she loved me, was often absent in ways I didn’t understand at the time. She struggled with her own battles—mental illness. 

These gaps in my life left me feeling like I was incomplete. As I grew older, this feeling of emptiness changed into something more complex: self-doubt, insecurity, and a constant need to prove myself.

Growing Up Without a Father

For years, I believed that not having a father made me less valuable. I would watch my friends with their dads and wonder what it must be like to have someone teach you how to ride a bike. Or someone to give you advice on how to deal with bullies or simply someone to say they were proud of you. I internalized this absence, seeing it as a personal flaw instead of a circumstance beyond my control.

It wasn’t until later that I began to realize how much this affected my sense of self-worth. I became hyper-aware of any perceived weakness in myself. I was afraid that without a father’s guidance, I wouldn’t measure up to others. My worth also felt conditional. I spent a lot of time trying to be perfect for everyone around me.

Living With a Mentally Ill Mother

My mother’s mental illness was a constant source of confusion for me. She loved me, I knew that, but her mood could shift in an instant. One moment, she was the caring, nurturing mom. The next, she was lost in a world I couldn’t understand. It’s like she was dealing with demons she never explained. As a child, I didn’t have the language to understand what was happening. All I knew was that I had to be “good” to avoid triggering her episodes, and even then, sometimes it wasn’t enough.

There were also days when I felt like I had to grow up too fast. It’s like I was becoming the caregiver when my mother was lost in her illness. This shaped my understanding of relationships and self-worth. I often felt responsible for other people’s emotions, believing it was my job to fix things.

Struggling With Self-Worth

As I got older, my childhood experiences manifested in deeper insecurities. I constantly questioned whether I was enough. Without a clear sense of who I was, I leaned into roles that others expected me to fill. I excelled at school, hoping that achievements might fill the void left by my absent father. I was always there for my little sister and my friends at times, trying to be the strong one, the one with all the answers.

However, deep down, I still didn’t feel like I was enough. I compared myself to others, always feeling like I came up short. The weight of my past sat on my shoulders like an invisible burden. This is something I never talked about but always carried.

The Turning Point

It wasn’t until much later in life that I began to understand the importance of self-acceptance. I had spent so much time seeking validation from others, trying to fix things outside of myself, that I never stopped to think about what I needed. The turning point came after years of pretending to have it all together. I realized that I was tired of living for other people’s approval, tired of running from my past.

I started to ask myself questions like:

• What if who I am is enough?
• What if my worth isn’t tied to having a perfect family or being everything for everyone else?

These questions opened the door to something new. And that was a journey toward self-acceptance.

Learning to Accept My Past

To accept myself, I first had to accept my past. I had to confront the feelings of abandonment and come to terms with my mother’s illness. It wasn’t easy. For a long time, I had pushed those feelings down, afraid to face them. But as I began to process them, I realized that these experiences shaped me, yes, but they didn’t define me.

I began to see that my mother’s mental illness wasn’t something I could fix, and it wasn’t my fault. I could love her without taking on her struggles as my own. Similarly, my father’s absence was a fact of my life, but it didn’t mean I was unworthy of love or belonging. 

In fact, I was not the only one in my family who grew up without a father or a positive male figure around them. Many of my cousins did not know their fathers (something that is common in the Jamaican culture). As a result, I began to let go of the idea that I needed to be “fixed” or “perfect.”

Embracing Who I Am

As I peeled back the layers of my past, I started to see myself in a new light. The parts of me that I once saw as broken were strengths. I wasn’t weak for feeling deeply; I was human. I wasn’t unworthy because I didn’t have a traditional family.

Self-acceptance, I learned, isn’t about pretending everything is perfect. It’s about embracing the messiness of life, the imperfections, the pain, and the joy. It’s about seeing yourself, flaws and all, and knowing that you are still worthy of love and belonging.

Moving Forward

Today, my journey of self-acceptance is ongoing. There are still moments when the old doubts creep in. That’s when I feel the urge to seek approval or question my worth. But now, I have the tools to quiet those voices. I remind myself that my past is only one part of my story. It has shaped me, yes, but it doesn’t define me. I am learning to love myself—not despite my struggles, but because of them. I am enough, just as I am.