A breakup is a rite of passage. It is transformative. We are never quite the same after it. The breakup process is painful and disorienting. We, as initiates, are thrust into unfamiliar territory of deep fear, and we are clueless on how to maneuver it.
I experienced this initiation when my ex and I ended our relationship of 7 years. It was my most significant relationship – my first same-sex relationship, and my longest. I was devastated.
When I first met her, she took my breath away, and when we broke up, I literally could not breathe.
I had experienced such extreme emotions after the break-up, that there were days when all I did was cry. There were days when all I did was stay in bed. And there were many days when every minute was spent thinking about her, our past, and what I did wrong.
I had schemed on ways to get her back. I had fantasized that our relationship would be salvaged, and our problems would instantly disappear.
I had spun on my destructive and self-berating thoughts. What’s worse was that I had believed these thoughts.
And there were the body aches. I had felt extreme muscle tension and some days it felt like I had the flu. But I knew these physical symptoms were associated with the split instead of a virus.
You see, break ups can bring out the worst in us. More accurately, a break-up can fuel our fears. Any significant life event, such as an end to a relationship or a loss, is an impetus for our worst fears. And this could lead to anxiety and depression if unchecked. It’s a domino effect.
The good news is that there are tools that can help us ease the transition from breakup initiates to wholly healed and happy human beings. These are the key practices I found most helpful in my healing: Mindfulness, Self-compassion, and Gratitude or MSG.
First, I will cover mindfulness, the groundwork for which the other practices are made possible.
How to Get Over a Breakup with Mindfulness
What is Mindfulness?
To be mindful is to be aware on purpose and without judgment of what we’re thinking, what we’re doing, and what is happening around us.
To put more simply, mindfulness is being in the present moment, and not in our heads worrying about the past or the future. When we’re fully present, we’re not creating stories or coloring our experience.
When we’re mindful, we’re not wishing for our experience to be different than what it is.
It’s a simple act, yet it can be difficult to do.
Why is Mindfulness Important in Healing from a Breakup?
When we’re going through a painful experience, such as a broken relationship, we’re in our heads a lot. In my case, I had regret and shame about the past, but I also had fears about the future – will I find love again?
Other examples of our narrative:
- I wish I was a better partner
- I was such an idiot for doing [fill in the blank]
- I’m hopeless, I’ll never find someone
- I’m such a loser
- My ex is happy and in love with someone else, and I’m miserable and alone
This seeming perpetual thinking provokes more anxiety and hurt.
When we practice mindfulness to get over a breakup, we become the observer of our thoughts. We’re able to create space around our thinking.
By doing this, we can view with clarity the narrative that’s going on in our mind. We begin to dis-identify with the stories. And we discover that we’re not our thoughts, but the awareness of them.
When we gain this valuable perspective, we realize that our thoughts are not always true. In other words, most of what we tell ourselves are lies.
When I was doing my self-work, it was a turning-point moment when I realized that my identity was hinged on my partner, and I was attached to the concept of being in a relationship. It was no wonder that I experienced excruciating pain when the relationship dissolved.
This insight, although tremendous, didn’t erase the pain right away, but it did remove the intensity of it.
At that pivotal moment, I started to let go of my attachments. What followed was the inevitable wayfare of self-discovery.
If we’re not the thinker and we’re not our thoughts, then who are we? What comes next is a profound adventure of getting to know who we really are.
Armed with this knowledge and way of being, we’re in a more favorable position to make changes in our lives. Changes that are congruent to the truth of who we are.
Simple But Effective Mindfulness Technique
This method is what I use whenever I’m feeling anxiety, fear, or any discomfort, or when I notice that I’m spinning on my thoughts.
- Close your eyes or have a downward gaze
- Take a deep breath
- Put your awareness on your inhale
- Notice your belly rise. Pay attention to how the air is inhaled from your nostrils and into your lungs
- Then exhale and follow the breath as it leaves your body
- Count to 5 with every inhale
- Count to 5 with every exhale
- When a thought comes in, notice it without judgment and then let it float away
- Go back to your breath
How to Get Over a Breakup with Self-compassion
There is no one out there that can beat me in putting myself down. I am my loudest and most prolific self-critic. At least that was the truth back then. Fortunately, I am learning to be kinder to myself.
It’s easier to have compassion for others than for ourselves sometimes. During a traumatic event, it’s hard to have compassion for anyone.
There is a tendency to get immersed in our hurt and misery. And we are merciless when it comes to judging our shortcomings and inadequacies.
What is Self-compassion?
According to Kristen Neff, author of Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, having compassion for oneself is the same process as having compassion for others:
- Recognize that there is suffering
- Feeling moved by the suffering so that our heart reacts to the pain
- This leads to a desire to relieve the suffering, and a
- Realization that suffering is part of the shared human experience.
Why is Self-compassion Important in Healing from a Breakup?
When compassion is directed to oneself, the narrative gets transformed from self-criticism to kindness and self-care.
For example, after the breakup I had felt a lot of anger. I would criticize myself for being angry so I would force myself to feel happy. And when that didn’t work, I would get down on myself again.
When I took the Mindful Self-Compassion course, a program developed by Kristen Neff, I discovered that it was ok to have felt the range of emotions I had experienced after the breakup.
A mindful self-compassion practice shines a light on our harsh thoughts and feelings about ourselves without judging them – this is the mindfulness part.
By exposing our critical thoughts, hopefully we are motivated to be more kind in the way we view ourselves or apply other techniques to alleviate the suffering – this is the compassionate part.
According to this study, the practice of compassion leads to a slower heart rate and our bodies produce the hormone oxytocin.
Oxytocin, also known as the “bonding” or “love” hormone, when released into the body, offers psychological and physical benefits such as lowered stress and anxiety. It also plays a role in our being more relaxed, trusting, and having psychological stability.
Quick Self-compassion Exercise – Soothing Touch
When we’re feeling stress or anxious:
- Take a few deep breaths
- Place a hand or both hands gently over your heart, or somewhere on your body that feels comforting, your arm, stomach or face
- Try to feel the sensation of your hand over your heart, see if you can feel the warmth and gentle pressure of your hand
- When you inhale and exhale, feel the natural rise and fall of your chest
- Stay with this practice as long as it’s comforting
Here are other self-compassion exercises.
How to Get Over a Breakup with Gratitude
What is Gratitude?
Of the three practices, I find gratitude to be the easiest and my favorite.
The practice of gratitude is to be aware of what we appreciate or what we are thankful for. The true process of being grateful stems from within and is heartfelt and meaningful.
After the breakup, I had the perspective that nothing good was happening in my life. Although I had kept a gratitude journal for many years, that time period was particularly difficult to come up with something to be grateful for.
But it started with something small. I mustered up all my effort to write one line in my journal, and then the next day, I documented two things I appreciated. And after that, I found more things, until I got back into the habit of writing daily.
Why is Gratitude Important in Healing from a Breakup?
It’s easy to notice the “big and joyous” events, like the birth of your child, a promotion, buying a house or marriage, but it’s more challenging to appreciate something we consider banal or ordinary like rain drops, footprints or a scarf, and even more challenging when it comes to devastating events like a divorce, a sickness, or unemployment.
But even with a breakup, we can all find a silver lining in it, in my case, the split served as a way for me to see what I needed to work on. Being apart and the subsequent fears I felt catapulted me on a path to understand the root of my anxiety.
If we begin to pay attention and be thankful for the big and small, and the good and the bad, we begin to cultivate a reverence for life.
Gratitude Prompts to Get You Started
- What is an achievement that you’re proud of?
- Describe a happy childhood memory
- Look outside your window and point out one thing that you’re happy to see
- Describe one of your strengths
- What is your favorite clothing and why?
Check out these 101 Gratitude Prompts
If you’re feeling skeptical, I would suggest to at least start with a gratitude experiment and see for yourself. If it doesn’t float your boat, then drop it.
Conclusion
Mindfulness, Self-compassion and Gratitude or MSG, is the trifecta of healing. Each can be used individually or combined to get over a breakup or any difficult circumstance.
When we split from our partner, sometimes the reaction is to get them back. In my experience, that’s what I tried to do, and it didn’t work, which made it more painful. But the truth is that the Universe gives us not what we want but what we need.
You are hurting, which is why you’re reading this article, I have been there, but try for a moment to view your break up as an opportunity to discover who you really are. The fact that your life has taken you here (the breakup) is no coincidence. Go within yourself and the answer will be given to you.
I want to hear from you, what have you done to get over a breakup? Share in the comments.
Writer and globe wanderer, who's interests not only take her to distant corners of the world, but also to undiscovered regions of her inner Self. Marina is a student and facilitator of A Course in Miracles (ACIM). She practices forgiveness and gratitude to transform her relationship with herself and others.
Self-compassion is by far the most important mindfulness technique that I was introduced to by a therapist and I really can’t recommend it enough. I’m extremely hard on myself in all aspects of my life and I was realizing that while I was treating everyone around me with love and kindness, I had completely forgotten to think about being nice to myself.
Thank you so much Marina.
I am struggling.
Your words are helpful to me.
Thank you.
I’m glad it’s helpful. I hope you’re feeling better.
Marina
Thank you Marinna for reaching out to help people, with such a simple yet helpful message. I especially like that you included samples of mindfulness exercises.
I personally am in the chasm between what was starting to become a lovely relationship, and in the snap of fingers has become what I think is the agonizing, choking death throes of it (LOL).
I had a mindfulness coach who has introduced me to many of the concepts you speak of and introduced me to self-compassion…even recommending the workbook that you yourself have tried. I have only done the first few chapters.
Further, I have decided that I want to explore this concept deeper and have signed up for a weekend retreat on self-compassion happening in March.
I am going to bookmark this page and refer back to it for its many good points and exercises.
I am truly sorry about your breakup. If you are a loving person, you will most likely find love again.
Hi Elle, thank you for your comment. I’m glad you found my story helpful. I’m sorry that there are some challenges in your relationship. You can use the same tools to shine a light on what is going on, so that you can take steps to heal. Also, relationships aren’t coincidences. In my case, my ex has been my biggest teacher. Mindfulness can bring awareness around the fears or discomfort that arise. Pay attention to those, those are often clues to what needs to be healed in you.
Thank you, will try this, seems like it makes more sense than my constant feeling of What Now, What’s the point and crying as I do the gardening, cooking and everything else Smile.
Hi Sharo, thanks for your comment. I have stood in the river you’re in. Give yourself permission to express your emotions. It takes courage to do this. Then prescribe self care and compassion. Sending you love.
Thank you for sharing these mindfulness exercises. Breakups are so personally intense and painful. Clearing your mind and truly focussing on breathing and mindfulness are good ways to move beyond the moment, beyond the pain. I think self-compassion can be hard to find during breakups, because your mind is filled with ways that you aren’t good enough — but you’re right, it’s so important. Thank you for sharing your healing path.
Glad it was helpful!
Happy that sharing my personal stories are helping people.
Marina, what do you do when an ex tries to use mindful thinking as a way to win you back?
I am not interested in reconciling, but my ex has claimed to change and came to me with mindful meditation recently. He has said that being mindful is to be in the present, but to be honest, I feel like he is using that to get me to easily release our troubled past.
I do not harbor any ill will or hatred towards him and to be honest I forgive him. I only want to have a platonic relationship, and he wants to “work on us” and has constantly said to me I’m not practicing being mindful if I don’t allow him “in”. This is a ploy right? I’m not crazy?
Unfortunately we are living together during quarantine. I am considering asking him to find his own place soon. But I am troubled.
Hi Teri,
Without knowing the background of your situation, it makes it challenging to offer an appropriate response. What I can say is that if you’ve created a healthy boundary, that needs to be respected. Unfortunately, when you live in the same home, it doesn’t make it easy. What’s the reason for living together if you’ve broken up?
Marina
Honestly, if you had said your name was Damien and that you dated the opposite sex, I would have sworn we were the same person!
(7 years, first love, feeling depressed, helpless, confuses and lost, however finding salvation in mindfulness and self compassion)
You’re article was very warm-hearted and has reminded me that with time all wounds can heal (at least I hope so).
One question I have though is how would you recommend keeping your ex-partner as a friend? Is it even possible?
Obviously it won’t be the same again, or at least not for a very very long time. She was my best friend and I miss her friendship more than anything in this world. But I am scared reaching out is only going to push her further away and make it harder for both of us.
Hi Damien,
Keeping an ex as a friend is tricky. You have to investigate the real reason to have a friendship with your ex. For example, is it a ruse (perhaps subconsciously) to get her back, or do you genuinely want to be her friend. To have a platonic relationship with an ex requires letting go of the past, doing forgiveness work, and being truly ok with your ex moving on and finding another partner. The other key factor is that your ex is willing to be friends with you. Does she have an ulterior motive or is her intention genuine. Once both of you reach a point where the past is forgiven, both of you are willing to have a friendship, and that you both can have a non-romantic relationship without blurring any lines, then perhaps a friendship is feasible.
Good luck!
Marina
Hi Marina,
As you correctly guessed at the end of your writing, I’m here because I’m going through a difficult time because of a breakup (from a 4 year relationship) that happened 10 months ago.
I thought I was over the breakup after initial months of pain/anger/sadness, and had moved on, when suddenly last month something triggered me to fall into a state of anxiety and a constant pain in the chest. For a second, I even considered if I possibly might have caught the novel corona virus haha…
It’s been a month of living with this constant heaviness and tightness in the chest, almost difficult to breath. I try to keep myself busy with work but the moment my mind is free (before bedtime and morning wake up time), I am aware of the pain that I had been ignoring all day.
So today, I reached out to a close friend of mine who had herself gone through a horrible break up 7 years ago. When I explained to her my situation, I expected a quick solution. But instead, she told me that that unsettled feeling never really goes away, you simply learn to live with it/ignore it.
That was disturbing, to know that I have to live with this pain. Is that what a healed heart is all about? Learning to live with the pain or ignoring it?
Hi Muma,
Thanks for your comment and I’m sorry that you’re going through this. First, please make sure that there’s no underlying physical illness by seeing your doctor when you’re able to.
When your doctor gives you a clean bill of health, I would say that it could be psychological due to the breakup. Your heart is broken (or if there is emotional trauma), that sometimes manifests as physical pain, which I experienced after my breakup.
The pain that you’re feeling is your body’s way of getting your attention onto something you have repressed or ignored. Healing is not linear… we think we’ve gotten over something but down the road we get triggered and it feels like we’ve gone backwards. Healing is a process.
The pain will remain as long as you don’t investigate what is causing it from an emotional and psychological stand point, and be willing to do forgiveness work and release it.
My suggestion is to find stillness and lean into the discomfort. Talk to the pain as if you’re talking to a friend. Ask what it wants you to look at. Are you still hurt, angry, sad? These emotions need an outlet to be released, not buried. Releasing can be done in a number of ways – choose one that feels right to you. Examples: journalling, writing a letter to your ex (but don’t send it) and in it is everything that you’ve been feeling uncensored, screaming, punching a pillow/ punching bag, physical exercise, talking to a friend / therapist, etc.
An important step of letting go is forgiveness work. If the issue stems back to your break up, can you forgive your ex or at least willing to? Or if you had done something wrong, are you willing to forgive yourself?
Sometimes the source of pain is an old one, perhaps it’s childhood trauma. For example, in my breakup, I felt rejected and abandoned by my ex, but the true source of this abandonment belief was rooted in a trauma I had as a kid, which I needed to face.
You will find that when you truly forgive and let go, the pain and anxiety will also dissipate.
I hope this helps.
Good luck!
Marina
Hi Marina. I’m struggling so much. My wife said she wanted a separation in February, And we have been separated since then.I had always felt that she was the woman of my dreams. We were together for nine years, and have a five year old sweet little girl. I am a Social worker And have always Faced up to problems and situations to the best of my ability. what has been so incredibly difficult is the difference in her behavior before and after the break up. The day before I was a wonderful person, and the day after, and every day cents, she has been incredibly abusive. I discovered my self-esteem it’s all wrapped up in her, and I’m trying to get it back. I’m seeing a therapist but the pain is just so incredibly intense. I’ve searched for a lot of resources . She always touched me almost constantly and it fulfilled a need. Your exercise where you comfort yourself through touch seems to help. thanks for what you’re doing.
Hi Warren, how are you doing now?
these are all amazing tips, especially practicing mindfulness