How Plant Medicine Helped Me to See My Father Differently

To sum up all of the lessons that I have received from plant medicine is next to impossible.

I have been on the sacred medicine path for six years now. In my youth I experimented with mind-altering substances, haphazardly stumbling upon lessons and healing that I didn’t know I needed. Those experiences were fun and expansive, but I didn’t have the tools to integrate them.  

It wasn’t until I was called to work with Ayahuasca that I was truly ready to confront the aspects of myself that were crying for attention.

I was led to DAS (Dios Ayahuasca Sanaciones) Centre, near Iquitos, Peru to sit with the beloved Mother Ayahuasca. I was guided through ceremonies by my teacher, curandero and friend, Percy Garcia. My healing process started to accelerate during this time. 

One of the biggest lessons I received dealt with forgiveness.

Holding onto anger and sadness from the past was hurting me and keeping me stuck in suffering. It was time to release all the resentments; to set myself free.

With the help of the wise ancestor of Ayahuasca my heart opened so vastly that my ego was unable to keep up. I was open to loving so fully and unconditionally that anything could be forgiven.

I realized that I played a part in each conflict; that before I could forgive someone else, I needed to forgive myself. I was overflowing with love and compassion for all those who had ‘done me wrong’ and I finally understood why they had ‘hurt me’. It was clear that people try to relieve their own pain by redirecting it onto others.  

The most intense of all the wounds I confronted during my time in Peru revolved around my father.

We hadn’t spoken in over a year after a particularly big blowout. It was the first time I had confronted him without backing down. I was furious. All the things he accused me of reflected his own behaviour. In his eyes, he never did any wrong.

I felt unsupported and unloved. I had been hurt by his cruelty one too many times. I felt judged and unappreciated and I was prepared to live the rest of my days without him in my life.

And yet among all the darkness Ayahuasca showed me the truth.

The medicine showed me a hurt little boy in my father. I felt his pain and suffering and knew he was just doing his best. He didn’t have parents who were present either. He had to fend for himself and learn how to survive. I started to see the pattern. His father treated him the same way he treated me.   

In my lineage was a cycle of pain, violence, absence and abuse. I knew it wasn’t something that I wanted to carry on. Nor did I want to keep feeling unworthy. I realized that I was the one in my family who will finally break all the curses, patterns and false beliefs.

I was going to confront all the fucked up, dark shit that nobody wanted to look at. I had been training for it all  my life and my ancestors were rooting for me and helping me along the way.

The first thing I needed to look at was death. My dad passed away unexpectedly over a year after my trip to Peru.

My dad and I didn’t see each other or speak much leading up to his death. He lived in Poland and had his family there. I was back in Toronto sleeping on my mom’s couch and looking for work after a year of travel. After the retreat I sent my dad a quick email saying, “I love you”, however, I didn’t get a response, nor did I expect one. 

My experience at the retreat helped me to understand and have compassion for my dad who was never emotionally available. I wasn’t angry nor hurt. I  let go of any expectations. I knew the message was received. I chose to accept and simply love him.

Eventually I did receive an email from him, inviting me on a family road trip through Europe. Sadly it never came to be. But the healing process had begun!

When I received word of my father’s terminal diagnosis, I flew to Poland to be with him. He was in a coma for most of the time, but came out of it for two days with complete clarity.

He saw that I was there; that I came to be with him. I felt that by being there I was able to release him of any guilt he felt regarding our strained relationship. He  was able to move on peacefully and for this I am forever grateful.

It was also around this time that I discovered some of my dad’s old notebooks. He was an artist and a glassblower. The notebooks were filled with sketches and notes. I had always thought of him as cold and detached, but the notebooks revealed a different side.

My dad saw the  pain of the world and wanted to change it. He was trying to own his part. He wanted to heal. It filled my heart with hope. It made me see that perhaps I was so blinded by my own pain that I couldn’t see his. I was just like him. We really are all ONE. 

When I returned from Poland, I sat with Ayahuasca again. I drank the least amount of medicine I ever had, and yet it was one of the most powerful ceremonies. I felt the suffering of the world.  I saw the darkness, the shadows, the collective pain. I felt it in my body. It hurt really bad. It was scary, raw and never-ending.

I felt I was carrying this heavy burden and I couldn’t  understand why. Why was it mine to carry? In a vision I was visited by all my healers. I felt as if they knew something about me that I wasn’t seeing.

And then I received the answer from deep within: you carry the burden because you can.

I was strong enough to look at the pain in the world without forgetting the truth in my heart. It was all a preparation. Every single ordeal.

Because one day I was going to work with sacred medicine to extend healing to the world.